1
00:00:01,634 --> 00:00:03,336
(JINGLE PLAYING)

2
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:33,466
EDDIE: 'Til Death
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

3
00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:35,835
Hey, I'm headed
into the kitchen, you
want me to grab that?

4
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,371
No, I'm holding on
to the wine until they see
that I brought it.

5
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:42,842
{\an8}What are you
eating?

6
00:00:42,942 --> 00:00:45,478
{\an8}Turkey and
pastrami on rye.

7
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:46,813
{\an8}I didn't see
that anywhere.

8
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,281
{\an8}I got it out
of the fridge.

9
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:52,986
{\an8}Are you a sociopath?

10
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,789
{\an8}You're at a birthday
party. You eat the food
that they serve.

11
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,290
{\an8}Joy...

12
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:01,594
{\an8}Look at this
and look at me.

13
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:07,300
{\an8}They're lucky I'm not
eating the guests.

14
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,204
{\an8}Hey, would you guys mind
writing down your favorite
anecdote about Steph?

15
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:13,139
{\an8}Well, I did walk in on her
in the bathroom earlier,

16
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,275
{\an8}but that one's
not for sharing.

17
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:18,645
{\an8}Here, give me the card.

18
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,046
{\an8}(SOFTLY) Okay.

19
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:23,983
{\an8}"This is gay."

20
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:32,325
{\an8}There's gay people here.

21
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:35,862
{\an8}Here.

22
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,797
{\an8}It was expensive.

23
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:44,571
{\an8}Are you eating
my lunch for tomorrow?

24
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:45,972
{\an8}No, I brought this
with me.

25
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:52,345
{\an8}Hey, hon, Deb
and Mindy have to go.

26
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,447
{\an8}It's Jell-O shot night
at Goose McGill's.

27
00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:57,083
{\an8}Hey, I bet Bill Cosby
could've used
a few Jell-O shots

28
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:59,352
{\an8}when he was filming
those commercials, huh?

29
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:03,823
{\an8}(IMITATING BILL COSBY)
"Now kids, you got to tell
your dad to get a job

30
00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:06,659
{\an8}"so you don't have to
act to pay the rent."

31
00:02:06,759 --> 00:02:08,561
{\an8}(GIRLS LAUGHING)

32
00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:10,163
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS LIKE BILL COSBY)

33
00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:14,434
{\an8}Hey, Jeff, is it
okay if we bring
the cake out now?

34
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,736
{\an8}Yeah, we don't want to
miss her blowing out
her candles.

35
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:19,172
{\an8}(IN A SINGSONG TONE)
All 25 of them!

36
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:21,641
{\an8}Oh, my God,
you are so old!

37
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,176
{\an8}Remember your
21st birthday,

38
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,211
{\an8}when those Navy SEALs
snuck us back into
their barracks?

39
00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:33,653
{\an8}Hey, uh...
Thank you.

40
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:37,390
{\an8}(STAMMERING)
So, it's kinda early
for cake, isn't it?

41
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:40,560
{\an8}I mean, I thought that
Joy and I would be
long gone by then.

42
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,728
{\an8}(CHUCKLES)

43
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,797
{\an8}(STAMMERING)
Hey, listen, you're not
gonna sing that

44
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,566
{\an8}"Happy Birthday"
thing, are you?

45
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,201
Yeah. What's wrong?

46
00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:51,271
You'll see.

47
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:55,842
{\an8}(ALL SINGING  HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO YOU)
♪ Happy birthday to you

48
00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:58,044
♪ Happy birthday...

49
00:02:58,144 --> 00:03:01,548
{\an8}(OVERWROUGHT SINGING)
♪ ...birthday to you

50
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:09,055
♪ Happy birthday,
dear Stephanie

51
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:14,627
♪ Happy birthday

52
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:19,599
♪ to you

53
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,238
(CROONING)
♪ And many more ♪

54
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,709
{\an5}JOY: That was
a fun party, huh?
Yeah.

55
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:32,745
(SOFTLY) Most of it.

56
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,882
You want to have
a little more fun?

57
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,585
I do like fun.

58
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:47,360
♪ Darling you

59
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,630
♪ send me

60
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:54,100
♪ Darling you

61
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,803
♪ send me

62
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,973
♪ Honest you do
Honest you do...

63
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:04,043
♪ Honest you do ♪

64
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:05,311
(VOCALIZING)

65
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,313
Okay, you know what?
You know what?

66
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:10,216
{\an8}(GROANS)
Let's talk, huh?

67
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,552
Oh, like dirty talk?

68
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,321
Dirty talk, clean talk,

69
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,123
something without a melody.

70
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,459
What's going on?

71
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:21,594
Honey,

72
00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,665
there's this thing
that you do.

73
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:28,167
Often in public.

74
00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:30,970
It's your singing.

75
00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,472
My singing?

76
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:33,740
You think my singing's bad?

77
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,677
No, it's spectacular.
Inappropriately so.

78
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:43,016
You see, honey,
you're an over-singer.

79
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,990
Society has set a
certain level of singing,

80
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,626
which is right
about here, okay?

81
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:57,497
You, you sing,
you're like all up in here.
This is your singing.

82
00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,666
(STAMMERING)
It's like you swallowed
Mariah Carey.

83
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:04,771
Tonight, for example,

84
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:10,310
everyone sang
"Happy Birthday"
in nice inside voices.

85
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,379
You sang it like you were
auditioning for  Wicked.

86
00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:19,619
Listen, I have a big,
powerful, beautiful voice.

87
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,055
I think my singing was
the highlight of that party.

88
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,123
I did a freaking key change.

89
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,159
People love that.

90
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:30,930
Okay, again, people
in the audience at  Wicked.

91
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:34,634
You know, for a straight guy,
you're throwing a lot
of  Wicked references around.

92
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,605
All right, I am just
trying to spare you

93
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,741
from embarrassing
yourself in the future.

94
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:44,711
Are you worried about
me embarrassing me or
me embarrassing you?

95
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:47,480
Must they be
mutually exclusive?

96
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:51,818
Boy, you actively
don't want sex tonight.

97
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,287
(STAMMERING)
And you know what, I do have
to say, that's another thing.

98
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:57,156
When you're trying
to seduce a man...

99
00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:00,827
When I am trying
to seduce a man?

100
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,762
Eddie, when my earrings
hit the dresser,

101
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,430
you're oiled up
from head to toe.

102
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:15,775
When you're trying
to seduce a man, with song,

103
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,077
you don't just belt it out.

104
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:21,914
You do it soft. Kittenish.
You understand?

105
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:26,252
{\an5}Like a kitten.
I understand what
"kittenish" means. Yes.

106
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:28,254
Do you?

107
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,524
You're a moron!

108
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:34,227
Well, at least I don't scat
"The Star-Spangled Banner"

109
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,262
at high school
basketball games.

110
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,131
(IMITATING JOY)
♪ And the home

111
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,732
♪ of the

112
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,367
(SCAT SINGING)

113
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:47,640
♪ brave! ♪

114
00:06:56,215 --> 00:06:57,316
Okay.

115
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,189
Thanks for a great night.

116
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,024
Oh, actually,
you know what, honey?

117
00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,827
It's uh,
it's not over yet.

118
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:12,465
I saved the best
for last.

119
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,901
Oh, my God!

120
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,069
{\an8}(GIGGLES)
Yeah.

121
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:21,374
See, I know how much
you've been wanting that
watch and now it's yours.

122
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:24,977
Oh, I love you.
I love you. I love you.

123
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:29,081
I should punch you
right in your fat mouth.

124
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:34,053
"Fat mouth."
You're funny.
Come on, cowgirl.

125
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,488
Let's get you
some birthday sex.

126
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:39,158
Jeff, you knew that
I wanted this watch as a gift

127
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,060
for when I finish
my thesis.

128
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,628
All right, yeah.
Yeah, I know.

129
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:44,864
I just thought I'd give it
to you early since...

130
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,399
Since you don't think
I'm ever going to
get my master's.

131
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:49,135
Since you don't believe
in me and you never did.

132
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,205
I swear to God,
since day one

133
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:56,375
you've been all up in my grill
just because I'm not done yet.

134
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,544
Look, I'm sorry, Jeff.
I'm not you.

135
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,380
I'm not such a good speller,
I got to meet the President.

136
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,218
Do you have any idea what
writing a thesis involves?

137
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,653
Well, after observing you
for the past year,

138
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:09,789
I'm going to go with
waking up at 11:00,

139
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:14,360
eating Cocoa Krispies
and watching old episodes
of  Dallas on SOAPnet.

140
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,629
You think I'm not working
every day on this thing?

141
00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:19,432
Here, test me.

142
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:22,268
{\an5}Oh, come on, Steph...
Do it. Ask me anything
about the French Revolution.

143
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:24,203
(SIGHS)

144
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,239
All right.
Okay, um...

145
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:29,141
When is Bastille Day?

146
00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:35,882
Okay, um...

147
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,752
It's also my
mom's birthday.

148
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,225
It's also 10 days
after July 4th.

149
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:48,861
July 14th, I knew that!

150
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,663
I am finishing my thesis

151
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,498
and you can take back
your slap-in-the-face watch

152
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,600
and the girly box
it came in until I do.

153
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:55,968
Okay, fine.
You know what?

154
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,170
(STUTTERING) I'll do this.

155
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,507
I'll hold onto it until
you finish, you know?

156
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:04,710
Maybe I'll even fly over
in a jet pack and then
I'll give it to you,

157
00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:07,780
because that's how long
in the future it's gonna be

158
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,851
that they're actually,
they're actually going to
have jet packs in the future

159
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,319
when they, when they do that,
you see...

160
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,555
I hate when
it sticks to itself!

161
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:17,723
(EXCLAIMS)

162
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,268
Uh...

163
00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:32,104
Why are Deb and Mindy
sleeping on our couch?

164
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:34,340
They drank too much
at Goose McGill's.

165
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,142
The bartender found
my birthday invitation on them

166
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,743
and sent them here
in a cab.

167
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:43,516
Okay, so my best friend
from magic camp

168
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:46,185
can't stay here
for a long weekend,

169
00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:50,389
but we just roll out
the red carpet
for easy and easier?

170
00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:57,630
I can't believe
you got her that watch.

171
00:09:57,730 --> 00:10:00,866
Divorced at 21, right?
That's a big surprise.

172
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:03,169
What are you doing, honey?

173
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,670
Working on my thesis.

174
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,305
Yeah, suck on that!

175
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,978
Well, honey,
that is great!

176
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:16,349
Yeah, I just banged out
20 pages on the social burdens
caused by huge war debt

177
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,852
made worse by the
monarchy's military failures
and general ineptitude.

178
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,721
My girl's wicked smart!

179
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,826
If I could just barf,
I'd feel so much better.

180
00:10:29,028 --> 00:10:30,896
Oh, honey!

181
00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:33,032
I am so proud of you!

182
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,202
And you know what,
I know you were mad at me
for getting you that watch,

183
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,572
but if that's what it took
to light a fire under you
then I am not sorry.

184
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,343
I'm sorry.

185
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:48,914
Good morning.

186
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:52,518
♪ The best part of waking up

187
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:56,288
♪ Is Folgers in your cup ♪

188
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,495
Okay, obviously
this isn't over.

189
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:05,498
Listen, Joy,
what I said last night
about your singing,

190
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:10,369
it was not a negative.
It was a positive,
constructive thing.

191
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:15,041
Think of me
as your mirror.

192
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,509
Now, you don't get angry
at your mirror

193
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:19,645
when you look at it
in the morning and
you see a blemish.

194
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:22,515
So just check with me before
leaving the house every day,

195
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,283
and you'll be good to go.

196
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:27,386
(SMACKS LIPS)

197
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:32,291
So you're gonna be my mirror?
Maybe I should be your mirror.

198
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,160
If I needed a mirror, my love,

199
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,729
you would be it.
Oh, I think you need one.

200
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:38,597
Oh, really? How's that?

201
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,200
Well, you do
a lot of embarrassing
stuff too, you know.

202
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,968
I mean, you tell
those corny jokes.

203
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,904
Mmm-hmm,
what corny jokes?

204
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:48,507
(CHUCKLING) How about
when we're on a curb
and a limo pulls up,

205
00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:50,543
you say...
"There's my ride!"

206
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,311
(LAUGHS)

207
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,547
Or when we're
walking down the street,

208
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,550
and someone is approaching
with flowers, you say...

209
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,819
"You shouldn't have."

210
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:02,555
Yeah, it's pretty brutal.
Oh.

211
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:06,058
Is it? Okay, well, I'll
take that under advisement.

212
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:07,693
Thank you.
You're very welcome.

213
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,863
Mmm-hmm.
And you know what?

214
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:13,799
{\an5}Since we're helping
each other out...
Yes?

215
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:17,236
Let's talk about
Mount Inappropriate.

216
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:24,643
Okay. What about it?

217
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,046
Well, I've noticed that
it's hard for people to focus

218
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:28,681
when having
a conversation with you,

219
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,349
what with the two
bald-headed gentlemen

220
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:33,052
struggling to get out
of your shirt.

221
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,693
Okay.

222
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:43,129
Can't really control
what God gave me,
now, can I?

223
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:46,866
No you can't, but you could
always use the buttons
that come with the clothing.

224
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,537
Let's talk about
your celebrity impressions.

225
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,973
Careful, Joy.

226
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,609
I mean, I don't think that
anybody really wants to hear

227
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,278
how Ricky Ricardo
would read off of a menu,

228
00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:01,413
especially in a French
restaurant. It doesn't
make any sense!

229
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,516
(IMITATING RICARDO)
Joy, now I have some
explaining to do...

230
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,284
Oh, here it comes!

231
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,319
Right, here it comes,
because people love
my impressions!

232
00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:09,455
My impressions
are dead-on.

233
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,657
Maybe that's because
everyone they're of is dead.

234
00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:17,496
Bill Cosby and Al Pacino
are very much alive!

235
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:18,831
(IMITATING AL PACINO)
Hoo-wah!

236
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,700
You don't think your
impressions are annoying?

237
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,536
Ask anyone,
they will tell you.

238
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,237
Oh, I will ask anybody,

239
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,506
and they will tell you
that your singing

240
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:30,609
and your backup singers
are out of control!

241
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:35,181
I just need you
to tell my wife

242
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:39,552
that the world is horrified
by her singing and
ginormous cleavage.

243
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,121
I think you need
to tell Eddie
that his jokes

244
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:45,491
and his impressions
weren't even funny when
they were on  Laugh-In.

245
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,628
(SIGHING) Come on!

246
00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:51,530
Well...

247
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,032
You're looking
at her breasts,
aren't you?

248
00:13:53,966 --> 00:13:55,534
Uh-huh.

249
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:58,103
That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

250
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,206
Look, if you guys want
to know the truth,

251
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:02,441
I've seen some eye-rolling
about both of you.

252
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:05,444
What? Steph, come on.
That's not true.

253
00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:06,879
Yeah, it is.

254
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,981
You're both ridiculous.

255
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:15,621
(STAMMERING)
So, is that how
all of you feel?

256
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,823
Deb? Mindy?

257
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:22,628
Oh, are you that
freaky "Happy Birthday"
singing chick?

258
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:29,034
Perhaps.

259
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,636
What about this?
Inappropriate?

260
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,641
It's a bit much...
For my tastes.

261
00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:38,744
And she stripped
to pay for her
junior year abroad.

262
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,579
Oh, my God!

263
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:43,249
But you laughed at
my Bill Cosby impression.

264
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,751
Oh!

265
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:48,087
I didn't know
that was Bill Cosby.

266
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:50,823
I thought that was your
weird way of hitting on me,

267
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:54,260
and I laughed because
I thought it was funny
that you were hitting on me.

268
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,929
Because you're so old.

269
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,269
Thank you for
your candor.

270
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,281
Okay, this is good.

271
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:17,816
Very dignified.

272
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,356
It's the new us.

273
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,725
No more singing,
no more impressions.

274
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:29,428
We will honor
the teaching career
of Herb Wallach

275
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:32,031
without being
sideshow freaks.

276
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:35,200
{\an5}Well, I still have that height
thing, but other than that...
That's true.

277
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,202
Hey, guys.
How you guys doing?

278
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,637
Great.

279
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:41,640
We've eliminated
music, fun, and breasts
from our lives.

280
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,976
Uh-huh. Hey, honey,

281
00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:46,512
do you happen to know
what time it is?

282
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,547
I know it's
time to celebrate,

283
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:51,550
'cause I finished
my master's thesis.

284
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:53,485
{\an8}(LAUGHS NERDILY)
What up, new watch?

285
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,828
I don't want to interrupt
anyone's fun.

286
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:06,332
I just want to say
thank you for this
lovely party

287
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,500
and especially
for the last 40 years.

288
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,637
I mean, teaching
has been my joy.

289
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,139
Of course, if I never see
a red pen again
it's okay with me.

290
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:15,874
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

291
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:16,976
(CHUCKLING) No,
I'm just kidding.

292
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:20,279
I've got no beef
with red pens.

293
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,514
Anyway, thank you.
Thank you all very much.

294
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,454
You know, my husband
used to apologize to me

295
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,789
because he was
"just a teacher,"

296
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:34,693
and couldn't afford
to give me the things
he thought I might've wanted.

297
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,663
But Herb,
I want to tell you,

298
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:40,833
I wouldn't
change a thing.

299
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,736
Brandon, hit it.

300
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:50,609
♪ Now I've had
the time of my life

301
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:55,014
♪ No I've never
felt this way before

302
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,349
♪ Yes, I swear

303
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,186
♪ It's the truth

304
00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:04,623
{\an8}(JOY MOUTHING)
♪ And I owe it all to you

305
00:17:06,392 --> 00:17:11,964
♪ 'Cause I had
the time of my life

306
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:15,601
(HUMMING)

307
00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:18,804
Oh, honey, I think
I forgot the words.

308
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:21,840
Brandon, you just
keep on playing.
I'll get it.

309
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:22,908
(HUMMING)

310
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:23,909
Get up there.

311
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,247
{\an5}What?
She needs help.
Go ahead, get up there.

312
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,650
I can't. People will think
that I am ridiculous.

313
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:34,386
Well, let 'em.
'Cause you know what,
I was wrong.

314
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,256
I never should've
opened up my big mouth.

315
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:40,259
If I hadn't,
you'd still be
a bubbly, happy person,

316
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:43,429
instead of this beaten
down, lifeless dullard.

317
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,064
Now go ahead,
get up there

318
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,633
and embarrass me and
yourself and everyone
else in this joint,

319
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,002
because that's
the woman I married.

320
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:55,774
I'll just help her a little.
Ahh, that a girl.

321
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:57,176
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

322
00:17:58,143 --> 00:17:59,244
(EXCLAIMS)

323
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,246
No one puts these
babies in the corner.

324
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:10,856
♪ ...one thing
I can't get enough of...

325
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:15,594
{\an5}♪ So I'll...
♪ So I'll tell
you something

326
00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,763
♪ This could be love
♪ This could be love

327
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:21,834
♪ Because...
♪ Because I've had

328
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,636
♪ the time of my life

329
00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:27,473
♪ No, I've never felt
this way before

330
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:30,776
♪ Never felt this way

331
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,778
♪ It's the truth

332
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,380
♪ And I owe it all to you

333
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:37,549
♪ With my body and soul

334
00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:41,787
♪ I want you more than
you'll ever know

335
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:44,456
♪ So we'll just let it go

336
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:48,594
♪ Don't be afraid
to lose control

337
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:52,431
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Louis Armstrong!

338
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:54,900
♪ Just remember

339
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,336
(IMITATING LOUIS ARMSTRONG)
♪ You're the one thing

340
00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:01,773
♪ I cant get enough of

341
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,476
♪ So I'll tell you
something

342
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:06,879
Oh, what is it, baby?

343
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,114
♪ This could be love
It could.

344
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:10,015
♪ Because

345
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,216
(LAUGHS)

346
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:15,721
{\an8}(BOTH SINGING)
♪ I've had the time of my life

347
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,590
♪ No I never
felt this way before

348
00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:20,325
{\an8}(CHUCKLES)
♪ Never felt this way

349
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:21,593
(SOFTLY) Who are they?

350
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:23,328
♪ ...the truth

351
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:25,430
{\an5}You know it.
♪ And I owe it
all to you

352
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:27,266
♪ 'Cause I've
Oh, yeah.

353
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:30,169
{\an5}♪ I've had the
time of my life ♪
Yes, I have.

354
00:19:30,269 --> 00:19:31,370
Time of my life!

355
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:31,670
{\an8}..

356
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:36,708
Enough with the Sammy.

357
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,977
Uh, no, no, it's time for me,
darling, to, uh,

358
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:40,812
do a number.

359
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,915
(HUMMING)

360
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,051
♪ You are the cat

361
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:50,422
♪ Who did that to me, babe ♪

362
00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:55,794
I'm so proud that
you got your master's.

363
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:59,498
My baby is a master.
Master of the universe!

364
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,567
Grandmaster Flash!

365
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,102
"It is my honor
to serve you, Master!"

366
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,138
(CHUCKLES)

367
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:07,773
That's from
I Dream of Jeannie.

368
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:11,577
Yeah. I dream of you
never doing that again.

369
00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:13,812
You're going to go out
and you're going
to be a teacher.

370
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:15,547
Oh, it's going to be great.

371
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:17,382
I can't teach
with just a master's.

372
00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:20,018
You need a PhD nowadays.

373
00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:21,887
So you're going
to go for a PhD?

374
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,922
No way.
Those are really hard.

375
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:27,859
{\an8}So why did you
get a master's, exactly?

376
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:29,695
{\an8}Well...

377
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,763
{\an8}Academic advancement.

378
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:33,232
{\an8}Personal fulfillment.

379
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:36,568
{\an8}I am so angry right now.

380
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,137
{\an8}(LAUGHING)

381
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,073
{\an8}(IMITATING HERMAN MUNSTER)
Are you ready, Grandpa?

382
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:42,407
{\an8}(JOY LAUGHING)

383
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:46,311
{\an8}Give me a "C."
A bouncy "C."

384
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:47,613
{\an8}(SQUEALING)

385
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:49,314
{\an8}Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.

386
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:50,782
{\an8}(LAUGHS)

387
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,952
{\an8}There you go, Lily.